Friday, March 9, 2012

Post Chemo

My grandma is almost three weeks away from her most recent chemotherapy treatment. It's ironic that they call that stuff therapy because it sure ain't therapeutic.

With every day that we get further from the treatment Mamaw grows a little bit stronger and I grow a little bit more resentful. Why am I resentful? If you could see the useless, debilitating, misery that my 81 year old grandmother suffered through at the hands of chemotherapy you'd be resentful too. Especially, if you could see how good she feels now, away from the drugs that poison not just cancerous cells but so many other useful body parts.

I honestly wonder what kind of person would sentence an elderly patient to this kind of life even when there is very little hope of success. I am currently, not too fond of doctors. I don't know if you picked up on that in my nurse based Doctor, Doctor post. I know, that it is good for a doctor to encourage hope. But honestly, at what cost is this acceptable? Sometimes, isn't it better to encourage reason and then coping?

It is difficult for me to not be hard on the doctor but I know it isn't fair. I know that, ultimately, the problems that we face as a family now are not his fault. I know that seeing someone you love suffer and trying to accept that that person will soon not be in you life aren't really issues a doctor can tackle. But they're not really issues that I can tackle either.

Mamaw is a faithful and caring woman who has seen most of her siblings die before her, been witness to a myriad of technical advances throughout her life, raised five boys and seen the larger part of 20 grandchildren grown into adulthood. She is a determined, goal oriented, and a, sometimes, very particular woman. She delights in the milestones of her grandchildren and lights up with joy at the thought of weddings. You should see her look at pictures of my sister and her boyfriend. It is hard for me to think of a time I've seen more joy on any face.

I don't know how to handle the future at any time and now it seems especially daunting. I know nothing about this part of life and I find myself wishing that I didn't have to learn.

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