Restless

I am mad uneasy right now about getting up and going. I can feel the need to move pulling at me but I am torn up by the changes in my life that are about to happen.

I don't know how to give up the lead role in the day to day activities of my Mamaw's life but I am so excited to have freedom for my own day to day activities. I really don't know how I'm going to get over seeing her every day and being such a central part of her existence.

I am really, really hyped about seeing my friends back west but I almost can't bear the idea of leaving my Richmond friends behind.

I love the sights and sounds of a Richmond spring but I am so, so, so, excited to see spring in Portland. To watch my tulips come up, and plant a small garden, is such an exciting prospect. My heart quickens at the idea.

Lately, I've been craving the kind of trust that only people who don't really really need you can put into you.  I want my grandmom to trust that I'll clean up a mess or cook something right or fold something and put it away correctly.

If it's really important that those things happen because you can't do it yourself, it's very hard to trust that someone else will do them to your specifications. It's even harder (if not impossible) to let go of those specifications and let someone do things their way.

And I understand that, because I love to be in control. One of the things that I'm looking forward to upon my return to Portland is having complete control of my diet again. I might go temporarily vegan as a response to all of the meat that I've eaten since I was here. I can't wait to make beans and rice and curry! I haven't taken full advantage of the goodness of east coast beers since I've been here (I just don't have the right kind of free time to get some good beers in me as a general rule). So, I'm even excited to be able to drink beer when I'd like to drink it.

I'm excited for yoga and running regularly. I'm bummed that I have to leave the runner friendly city (and my great runner friends) of Richmond.

I'm saddened to leave any prospects of love that I feel like Richmond offers me and Portland doesn't. Why is that? Why would one city not want me so badly when another does? It's all in my head. Probably.

Restless. Yep, that about sums it up.

Tag Team: back again.

I'm back in Richmond, VA and I am not mad about it. I love this place and the people who inhabit it. It was wonderful to get to see my mom on her birthday but, I really do think of VA as my home the most out of any place.

It's weird because I have three places that are not fully my home and no place that is. What a conundrum! I think it's one of the reasons I've got to stick it out where I've decided to invest my time. I've got to make one place my home. The idea that many of the people that I love will leave that place or will never be there at all (whichever place it is) scares me a lot though. A home is only so good as the people who live in it (be it a city or a structure).

Side note: If I've ever sent you a postcard: take a picture and send it to me. You probably don't have a postcard from me if you don't know my email address.

Best,
Rachel

Small Wonder (yeah, yeah, yeah)

I feel as though I must have used the title before. I know, it's not original, but I'm trying to go to bed. Here's a quick run through of  Delaware since I've been here (2:50 this afternoon)

 Napkins in the Thai restaurant we went to for lunch

 My mom with the spoils from the Thai restaurant.

Fortune I got from the Thai restaurant's "Chinese" fortune cookies

 Castor plant seed pod

Pretty much I got in via the Greyhound bus to Philly (first trip by greyhound and honestly not as bad as you'd expect from all of the negative feedback I've heard over the years), rode to pick up my older sister at the airport with my parents, met up with my older brother and sister in law to eat dinner, and ended up at home where I grew up, to chill with the immediate family. It's nice to see most of them. Shout out to Katelyn who can't be with us right now.