Restless

I am mad uneasy right now about getting up and going. I can feel the need to move pulling at me but I am torn up by the changes in my life that are about to happen.

I don't know how to give up the lead role in the day to day activities of my Mamaw's life but I am so excited to have freedom for my own day to day activities. I really don't know how I'm going to get over seeing her every day and being such a central part of her existence.

I am really, really hyped about seeing my friends back west but I almost can't bear the idea of leaving my Richmond friends behind.

I love the sights and sounds of a Richmond spring but I am so, so, so, excited to see spring in Portland. To watch my tulips come up, and plant a small garden, is such an exciting prospect. My heart quickens at the idea.

Lately, I've been craving the kind of trust that only people who don't really really need you can put into you.  I want my grandmom to trust that I'll clean up a mess or cook something right or fold something and put it away correctly.

If it's really important that those things happen because you can't do it yourself, it's very hard to trust that someone else will do them to your specifications. It's even harder (if not impossible) to let go of those specifications and let someone do things their way.

And I understand that, because I love to be in control. One of the things that I'm looking forward to upon my return to Portland is having complete control of my diet again. I might go temporarily vegan as a response to all of the meat that I've eaten since I was here. I can't wait to make beans and rice and curry! I haven't taken full advantage of the goodness of east coast beers since I've been here (I just don't have the right kind of free time to get some good beers in me as a general rule). So, I'm even excited to be able to drink beer when I'd like to drink it.

I'm excited for yoga and running regularly. I'm bummed that I have to leave the runner friendly city (and my great runner friends) of Richmond.

I'm saddened to leave any prospects of love that I feel like Richmond offers me and Portland doesn't. Why is that? Why would one city not want me so badly when another does? It's all in my head. Probably.

Restless. Yep, that about sums it up.