Without you it's just not the same

I miss my grandma, Mamaw. As my birthday approaches I know that this is going to be the first one for which I won't receive a birthday card from her. She has been such a positive and caring force all of my life and I am missing it for sure as my first big life event without her approaches.

Time

It's about time. It's all about time. It's time to catch you sweethearts up on my life in which I feel like there isn't time for much.

To be fair, I spent all day today reading and cleaning (with a break for some farm veggie pickup and birthday cupcake ingredient gathering). There really is time but I have been spending a lot of it with a specific someone and that means less time at home cooking meals for me, keeping up with the New Yorker, or finding pants to wear in the winter.

Yesterday I did devote a span of the good stuff (a couple hours) to looking for those pants to no avail. Why is it so hard for someone with solidly muscular legs that also happen to be as short as a 12 year old's to find pants that fit? Wait, did I just answer my own question? Going shopping for pants actually makes me feel insecure about my body. I am beautiful. It is ridiculous. But, how many pairs of pants can you try on before you start to wonder why it is that your body deviates from the standard of beauty so much that you can't squeeze even a small section of the aforementioned pant over your calf?  Or you wonder why your butt crack has to hang out? Answer: because your thighs are too big to keep the appropriately fitting waist from getting quite to where it is going. Finding pants might be worse than finding a bathing suit. I'm thinking of buying quite a few pairs of merino wool tights and just calling it a tie. But, I'm not sure that I will be warm enough all winter in skirts and very thick tights. I tend to wear pants and tights with great regularity in my own home throughout the nippy season. Oh, the joys of the encroaching cold season. And the rain. Let's not get started on the rain.

Besides being basically bummed about winter wear, I have been thinking about my grandma a lot which also makes me bummed in a much more serious mournful type of way. I fear that I have really not been that much fun to hang around for the past couple of weeks. Plus, being sad makes me homesick so I miss the family and the friends of the east coast especially much.

When, I work my way back to normalcy, I have lots to do. Food to cook before it goes bad, triathlon participants to cheer on, gardens to maintain, books to read. As a bit of a coincidence I am reading "Mountains Beyond Mountains" which my lovely older brother is also reading. One of my marathon training buddies is turning the big 30 this year. Coming into another decade isn't something you get to do often and I'd like it to be a special time, so there is that in my life as well.

I'm into the tapering bit of my marathon training. Tapering always makes me feel week even though I know it is for the best. I also miss all those endorphins that go along with my long and medium runs. That probably hasn't been helping out with the general malaise that I have been feeling. Still, I'm excited (and yes, incredibly nervous) for race day. Is it stupid to do two races within 3 weeks of one another? I am beginning to think it is. But, I'm signed up, it's too late. What to do about that?

Well now, I'm off to eat tomato pie and contemplate how life can be so wonderful as to have things such as tomato pie. Wish me luck on living with joy. Until next time.

Mamaw

Dear sweet Mamaw,

You are a woman, beautiful in faith and generous of character. Full of contradictions, like all of us, your good heart and loving soul were never hard to see.

While it is hard to come to terms with the grasp of death and the idea not doing things with you anymore - to plant (or weed) for, to cry and to laugh with, to cook for or to be cooked for, to eat with, to gossip about the family with, to walk with, send mail to or even to watch TV with, it is a relief to not have you suffer anymore.

I know that faith guided you along in both life and death and am thankful for that. I know that your love for us has made us better people. And God knows that we will miss you.

"Why cry for a soul set free?" I love you more than words can say.

Poetry

I read this excerpt from a poem on Tuesday on a bus ride around town. It seems especially fitting now.

From Walt Whitman's What Is the Grass


What do you think has become of the young and old
   men?
And what do you think has become of the women and
   children?

They are alive and well somewhere,
The smallest sprout shows there is really no death, and
   if ever there was it led forward life, and does not wait at the end to arrest it,
And ceas'd the moment life appear'd.

All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses,
And to die is different from what any one supposed,
   and luckier.

Excitement Galore!

This has been an very happening couple of days. 

We've been testing out (and failing) a new home care helper this week. That's someone who basically does what I do with my grandma - cooks, cleans, administers meds. We need someone pretty chill to hang out with Mamaw every day for a solid chunk of time. 

This weekend Mamaw and I started with a trip to the spa on Friday (I went grocery shopping she got a massage), continued with a visit from my Mom, Dad, and my little brother on Saturday, and got real wild with a big birthday celebration for her today (Sunday). 

Besides that, my older sister was visiting this week too. So, things were pretty crazy overall.

Coconut cake with 82 candles.  

 Me and my older sister 

 My cousin, Luke, with some sweet flowers

Mamaw and cousin Mika with a four leaf clover

Tomorrow, we try out a new homecare assistant and we rest. It's gonna be good. All the best.

Restless

I am mad uneasy right now about getting up and going. I can feel the need to move pulling at me but I am torn up by the changes in my life that are about to happen.

I don't know how to give up the lead role in the day to day activities of my Mamaw's life but I am so excited to have freedom for my own day to day activities. I really don't know how I'm going to get over seeing her every day and being such a central part of her existence.

I am really, really hyped about seeing my friends back west but I almost can't bear the idea of leaving my Richmond friends behind.

I love the sights and sounds of a Richmond spring but I am so, so, so, excited to see spring in Portland. To watch my tulips come up, and plant a small garden, is such an exciting prospect. My heart quickens at the idea.

Lately, I've been craving the kind of trust that only people who don't really really need you can put into you.  I want my grandmom to trust that I'll clean up a mess or cook something right or fold something and put it away correctly.

If it's really important that those things happen because you can't do it yourself, it's very hard to trust that someone else will do them to your specifications. It's even harder (if not impossible) to let go of those specifications and let someone do things their way.

And I understand that, because I love to be in control. One of the things that I'm looking forward to upon my return to Portland is having complete control of my diet again. I might go temporarily vegan as a response to all of the meat that I've eaten since I was here. I can't wait to make beans and rice and curry! I haven't taken full advantage of the goodness of east coast beers since I've been here (I just don't have the right kind of free time to get some good beers in me as a general rule). So, I'm even excited to be able to drink beer when I'd like to drink it.

I'm excited for yoga and running regularly. I'm bummed that I have to leave the runner friendly city (and my great runner friends) of Richmond.

I'm saddened to leave any prospects of love that I feel like Richmond offers me and Portland doesn't. Why is that? Why would one city not want me so badly when another does? It's all in my head. Probably.

Restless. Yep, that about sums it up.

Post Chemo

My grandma is almost three weeks away from her most recent chemotherapy treatment. It's ironic that they call that stuff therapy because it sure ain't therapeutic.

With every day that we get further from the treatment Mamaw grows a little bit stronger and I grow a little bit more resentful. Why am I resentful? If you could see the useless, debilitating, misery that my 81 year old grandmother suffered through at the hands of chemotherapy you'd be resentful too. Especially, if you could see how good she feels now, away from the drugs that poison not just cancerous cells but so many other useful body parts.

I honestly wonder what kind of person would sentence an elderly patient to this kind of life even when there is very little hope of success. I am currently, not too fond of doctors. I don't know if you picked up on that in my nurse based Doctor, Doctor post. I know, that it is good for a doctor to encourage hope. But honestly, at what cost is this acceptable? Sometimes, isn't it better to encourage reason and then coping?

It is difficult for me to not be hard on the doctor but I know it isn't fair. I know that, ultimately, the problems that we face as a family now are not his fault. I know that seeing someone you love suffer and trying to accept that that person will soon not be in you life aren't really issues a doctor can tackle. But they're not really issues that I can tackle either.

Mamaw is a faithful and caring woman who has seen most of her siblings die before her, been witness to a myriad of technical advances throughout her life, raised five boys and seen the larger part of 20 grandchildren grown into adulthood. She is a determined, goal oriented, and a, sometimes, very particular woman. She delights in the milestones of her grandchildren and lights up with joy at the thought of weddings. You should see her look at pictures of my sister and her boyfriend. It is hard for me to think of a time I've seen more joy on any face.

I don't know how to handle the future at any time and now it seems especially daunting. I know nothing about this part of life and I find myself wishing that I didn't have to learn.

Flowers (again I know)

Don't worry, I'm not going to inundate you with flower pictures as is my usual desire.

I just realized that about 80% of the photos I take are of flowers (cell phone and camera both).. Is that normal? Is that me embracing my inner girly-girl without even knowing it?

I mean, in all fairness, everyone loves flowers-not just girly-girls. I find the idea that women appreciate flowers more than men hard to get behind. Because seriously, go outside and look at a flower and tell me that one gender likes them more than the other. It just doesn't make sense. 

Alongside the coming of fragrant blossoms, I am also appreciative of the arrival of my brother Jon-Mike. It is obviously a great joy for Mamaw to have him visiting and I am pretty happy myself having him around. I look forward to a time when I can see more of my family too.

Flower Power

Mamaw's yard is full of these beautiful flowers. They are so plentiful that even picking three vases full and then a tiny vase did not even make a dent in her yard display. Here they are so you can enjoy them too.

Doctor, Doctor.

Let me tell you now, this post has nothing to do with doctors.

Tuesday of last week Mamaw had chemotherapy. Nurses took her blood work, gave her shots to boost her white and red blood cell count, fortified her with Magnesium, and hooked up the chemo to drip deep into her veins (with the intention of killing off all of those fast growing cancer cells-but with some adverse effects of killing all of her fast growing cells).

Thursday of that week we went in to get an infusion for her- Just fluids. Nurses tested her to see if she needed anything besides fluids, they made her comfortable with pillows and blankets and generally kept us informed on what was going on.

Monday of this week, we went in for an impromptu infusion (the weekend had been hard and bodily resources were low). The nurses hooked Mamaw up for Magnesium and fluids. There were no doctors in sight.

Today, Tuesday, We went for our scheduled infusion. The nurses communicated with other nurses, they gave my grandma fluids and they did us the courtesy of scheduling yet another infusion that we know we will need.

It turns out, in the world of cancer, doctors have a uselessly busy schedule and never actually do anything for their patients. I am thankful for the care of nurses. I am thankful for their knowledge on the subjects, their ability to share that knowledge and most of all their ability to do. I appreciate everyone who considers becoming a nurse, as well as all of the nurses out there.

Shout out to my older brother who is going to be a nurse. Also, a loud shout out to my aunt, Melissa, who helped Mamaw and I through a rough couple of days and a shout out to my dad for being around and able bodied when we needed someone who can lift.

Hopefully most of you are seeing far less nurses than I am these days but to those of you in my nearby (AKA Virginia) family, I know you're seeing just about as many and I am glad we are in this together.

Ipanema & Head Shaving

It's been a pretty good couple of days. Mamaw, is super energetic today because she's getting some high quality, pharmacy grade, steroids to help her with the first few days of treatment side effects (also, she was healthy enough to get treatment which is very good).

She is undertaking all kinds of projects today i.e. income tax prep, laundry (so many kinds of laundry), bathroom scrubbing, birthday card and assorted items buying, head shaving. She's so jazzed it has been hard to get her to sit still for breakfast. Doesn't look like naps are in the picture for today, alas.

She seems unfazed by the fact that she has to wake up 2 hours earlier than normal to take pills (maybe because the pills make her feel like Wonder Woman). Today, my grandma is a woman of action. She's making decisions and we're doing them. It's nice to see her so empowered. It is also exhausting.

The biggest thing we did this morning was shave her head. My sweater is now powdered with little bits of silver hair. She looks good bald- every bit as hip as any Portlander could ever wish to be. I'm a little bit jealous and just want to give up my quest to grow my hair long again. We could be bald together. I would love it.

Yesterday, whilst the treatment was in session, I went on a short run with Dan to one of the restaurants on the list. Jackfruit BBQ sammie that came sweet potato fries & house salad. Then we split a Mexican chocolate pie and ginger pear pie (with delicious short bready crust) for dessert. I could have died happy after that meal. Ipanema. Check it out, if only for their brilliant dessert selection. But really, delicious vegetarian fare, good drink deals, and awesome pies.

Speaking of pies, I need to run more. Maybe before we head out on our errands I can go for a quickie. I feel like I'm always squeezing in short runs and never going on long ones. But, any run is better than no run. Hope you guys are eating well, staying in shape, and generally enjoying life as much as I am.

Steady does it.

We're moving into a bit of a routine, Mamaw and I.

Eat yogurt first thing in the morning.
Drink Gatorade too.
Eat real breakfast -yesterday steak and eggs, today ham and cheese quiche.
Alongside breakfast, take pills.
Rest or reading time.
Lunch time with the drinking of more Gatorade*,
TV, nap, read, get out of the house: depending on energy levels (Yesterday we went to the Spa! a few days ago we went to the Audiologist)
Snack time & Gatorade
Get mail**, accept phone calls, maybe clean up a little
Dinner time. It isn't irregular for another member of the family to come over and make or help out with dinner.Last night my aunt, Sarah, came over and made meat loaf, the night before my uncle came over and grilled steaks. Tonight, another uncle, Scott, is coming over to hang out during or shortly after the dinner hour.
TV: Wheel of Fortune
TV: Jeopardy: I think we're getting better at the game.
Bed 

*Gatorade is consumed every time I can convince Mamaw to drink more of it.
** if you know her, send Mamaw mail. It makes her day so much better and I don't see a reason why any day has to go by where she doesn't get something good in the mail.

As you can see, much of our day consists of eating, drinking, sleeping, and sitting. It's an easy life, but one that pretty much guarantees that a few pounds will be gained whilst I'm here. Hopefully, running and kart-wheeling will keep those pounds at bay for a time. If not, my second hope is that my family doesn't give me too hard a time about said pounds (Hear that family?!?!).

I am always, happy to be a help, and am thankful to all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins for making it easy for me to help by giving me so much support and away time.

Shout outs this week to: Eddy for coming over and making us steaks; Sarah both for picking up much of her family and transplanting them to Mamaw's for dinner last night making it possible for me to go out and see my friends and for checking in regularly to see how things are going; Scott for coming over tonight so I can go to an impromptu baby shower; and my Cousin Aaron who is willing to come over tomorrow night if need be, so I can go to another friend's birthday party. You guys really make life easy on me and I appreciate it ever so much.

Snowski

It snowed on the east coast today. For us here in Chesterfield, it was just under an hour of wet, huge snowflakes. But, it was very beautiful to watch. I know, I am a self proclaimed hater of snow. But look at it. It really is beautiful in small bursts. This video is of Mamaw watching the snow fall.

Train Fat

I went for a 15 minute run today and it was one of the hardest runs that I've done in a good long while. I see you, thinking "15 minutes, that's nothing". and not even a week ago, I would have agreed. That was before I gained all of this train fat from sitting on the train for just over three days in a row. That's over 72 hours of straight sitting people. My body is not used to moving anymore. Fortunately, I'll be hitting up a "Poor Man's Yoga" class this evening as well. So, hopefully we can get things back into working order. 

This train ride was a strange'un. In some ways I expect a cross country train to be filled with antiquity loving, beautiful hipsters, all wearing retro shoes and sunglasses. Besides followers of the scene, I expected patient, elderly travelers who drink their fill of overpriced wine in their sleeper cars and romance one another like they've just fallen in love. Suffice to say, my expectations were not met. 

This cross country train was all business. At least on the first leg of my journey, most of the people that I encountered were either coming or going to Wilson, ND. There were men going there with guaranteed jobs working where the oil is being drilled. There were people rushing there in hopes of getting jobs pertaining to the oil boom and there was at least one person who was commuting to Wilson to work as a waitress. Word on the tracks is, there's so much money to be had in North Dakota that people can afford to buy cars after working for only a few months. People are getting jobs as drivers, station builders, and  pipe layers. even gas station workers are supposedly getting about $18.oo an hour in Wilson. 

It's a strange thing to become an accidental part of a migrating flock. I felt like we were doing something that Americans have been doing forever. In the past we were going to pan gold, or to pick fruit. Instead, of heading west, Now we were heading to the center to drill oil. Luckily, the first leg of the train wasn't overly crowded so it wasn't hard to come by sleep and a good stretch during this bit of migration.

The second leg, from Chicago. was far more crowded and less migratory. By that leg, I was over trains and ready to get home and take a shower. Now, if you read my last post, you know that I am home with Mamaw and my older sister, clean showered and ready to do some yoga.

Here are a few pictures from the journey.

We actually did get to leave the train sometimes. Here on layover in Chicago 

Blue skies and sunshine are a magical thing coming from Portland in the winter 

 A bit of fencing at the Milwaukee station.

In the flat brown stretch. There was a lot of this. 

Frozen River

Every once and a while the flat lands gave us some busted dumpsters, buildings, and cars.

Snow in a way that we never see it in Portland.

Home. Sweet, sweet home.

I'm at home or I'm at a home of sorts. I'm at my grandmom's, Mamaw's, home.

I'm home but she's away in the hospital. I should be getting things set up for her to come home but thanks to my treacherous west coast inner clock I am just waking up.

Thought I should let you all know, the trip went basically well. Things are starting to happen here this morning. So, I've got to go.

A better update from this home, later.

Where to even begin?!

This weekend passed by in a whirlwind of excitement!

I went from visit's with friends from Philly and the DE family, into wedding prep and then, even better, the wedding! It was beautiful and I'm both excited and a little jealous about the adventures that Jon-Mike and Jackie are embarking upon with their lives.

The wedding itself was filled with; moving prayers and speeches; beautiful dresses, flowers and setups; an open bar, dance floor and delicious cookies (plus, of course, wedding cake with gelato!) and plenty of aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters and family of all sorts.

The husband to be and our wonderful uncle Eddy.

Jon-Mike and Jackie dancing

After the wedding I had more quality family time as I rode down to Richmond, VA with my Uncle Roger and Aunt Sarah and beautiful grandmother. We watched VCU move into the final four by winning against Kansas and then I went to visit friends from school.

The week has been radiation treatments in the afternoon and family and friends all around that. Mamaw and I have gotten in some walks and I have many a plan to see some great people. Looking forward to continuing with my visit for the rest of the week.

Burning ball of excitement.

Like a small sun.

A very small but hot and excited sun.

That's how I feel right now.

I am on fire with excitement.

There are so many things to look forward to.

Landing in Philly and getting lunch with my friend Matt, going home and seeing my Mom Dad and brothers, getting to see my sisters and get ready for Jon-Mike & Jackie's wedding, Wedding!, Mamaw!, Uncles from all over, Mom's birthday, Riding in a car, Richmond VA, Friends, Family, Friends, and back to the west coast.

I am currently waiting in the airport and writing this blog. I have started to send out my Facebook feelers and text alerts. I can not wait for the east coast and me to be one again.

Hope you all are sleeping soundly as I type.

She's as cold as ice

Today it was beautiful, for about two hours in the middle of the day. When the sun was high in the sky, I was moving fast on my bike wearing about three layers but shedding scarfs and hats. That was the high moment in my day. The rest of the day consisted of cold, cold, cold.

I also applied (at a new low point in my job hunt) to be a sign holder. OUTSIDE!*!#! In the cold! I figure if I get that job it will only motivate me more to find a much, much better job. I've also, always wondered what it was like to be one of those poor people. So, this could be my chance to find out.

To say the least, I'm looking forward to spring.

I'm also keeping my grandma, Mamaw, in my heart and mind while I wait for the seasons to change. Shout out to all of those in VA who are helping her out right now. You guys are awesome. Mamaw, if you get to read this I love you!

Yard Sale! Yard Sale!

The past two days have been days of acquisition.

Yesterday, I bought myself some beautiful sheets from an estate sale ($2 total) and today I bought myself a beautiful print ($1) , some very pretty coasters (.75 total), a useless but whimsical clock ($4), and a very cute desk to do my computing on ($10)

My room still has a ways to go as I'll probably need something to put my coasters on and to hang my print with but I'm still pretty thrilled. Here are a few pics of my new treasures.

My new desk. So cute!

Close up of my clock. You can see why it isn't functional

Coasters with real pressed flowers in them!!

Beautiful print on Indians/Native Americans

My bed with yellow sheets, my desk & computer, and of course the quilt that Mamaw made for me.